The “I Married a Bankhead” (IMAB) Support Group

Due to Alan’s upcoming nuptials, I’d like to take this opportunity to welcome as our newest member, Karaline Joyce Rawson.

To help ease the transition into the IMABs, the following list (in no particular order) of a few issues the group faces should be helpful. Please note that not all issues apply to all members:

THE FAN—For reasons unknown, most Bankheads are incapable or downright refuse to sleep without a large box fan noisily humming nearby. In cases of emergency, any old fan will do, but Bankheads will go to great lengths to obtain fans in order to sleep. For IMABs who like to sleep in silence or without a wind chill factor, you have two options: get a separate bedroom or convert to the fan yourself. Rumor has it that one Bankhead, in order to save her marriage, has given up the fan, but that rumor is negated by another IMAB who reports that her Bankhead sleeps with not one, not two, not three, but four fans in her bedroom, so don’t get your hopes up.

EQUAL OPPORTUNITY CHRISTMAS PRESENTS—Remember as a kid when you would sneak around your parents’ closet looking for those hidden Christmas surprises picked out especially for you? In the Bankhead family, most Christmas and birthday presents are purchased in bulk and on sale year round and can be found in the downstairs closet. They may or may not be your size or be something you like, but thankfully, if your gift doesn’t fit or is the wrong color, there are several other sizes and colors to choose from in the chest in the stronghold.

MASHING/SQUEEZING/SQUISHING/SMASHING/SMOOSHING/SWATTING—Although this Bankhead characteristic goes by many names, it is clearly recognized as the way Bankheads interact with children and is generally accompanied by a certain voice reserved for just such occasions. It can be perceived as violent to those unaccustomed to this unique behavior, but rest assured that most children survive and actually enjoy this activity. For the female IMABs this also describes many of the ways your spouse expresses physical affection for you too. This in no way insinuates that your husband thinks of you as a child.

There are also benefits to joining the IMABs.

1. Your picture will appear in one of nine spots in the enormous frame on Kathryn’s dining room wall.
2. You are entitled to free medical advice from Byron or Emily, free business advice from Austin, free auto advice from Jace, free recreational advice from John, free electrical work from any number of Bankheads, free scrapbooking/invitation advice from Heather, and you may possibly qualify for a custom bricked fireplace.
3. Each year, a personalized Christmas stocking with your name will hang from one of the following letters: N,O, E, L, J, or Y.
4. Southwest Rapid Rewards tickets are always available to you.
5. You will become privy to the joys of apple-mince pie and lots and lots of meat (usually including bacon) prepared on the most amazing home grilling system in Provo.
6. For IMABs who choose to change their last name to Bankhead, “Congratulations. Once your last name is Bankhead, you are always right” (Alan). According to Emily, however, “If you had to get the Bankhead last name by marriage, that makes you half Bankhead, and you are only right half the time.”
7. A membership to the Joseph Educational Foundation and a lifetime supply of JEF business cards.
8. As your Bankhead will often remind you, your spouse is hard-working, efficient, competent, witty, and self-sufficient.

Welcome, Kara.

All members and Bankheads are, of course, invited to post any additional items of consideration.